I am full of Darkness 

I am full of darkness, and so are you. In my vision, the darkness is rich and earthy like freshly turned soil; damp, fecund and teeming with life at every level. When I rake my fingers through it I see there is much to behold, many lumps of clay to turn over in my hands, examining their strange beauty and contemplating their origin. 

When I stretch I see my darkness. In those moments when I choose Ego over breath, my muscles are holding onto stories from long ago. My right side still clings to the memory of Freddie, parts of me are living in a beautiful time that no longer exists. This has me wondering what else I’ve got hidden in the layers of fascia, sinew and bone? Keep digging, keep peeling. I tell this to myself all the time, I write it in journals, in emails to soul friends, and then I forget sometimes! We all have this tendency when we come out of a snake skin; having just shed another layer we are feeling really raw and fresh, there’s an adjustment period, followed by several “aha” moments and then we really start feeling ourselves. We get into the groove of the level we’ve equalized onto, we’re vibrating with it, it feels good, life is flowing and- WHATS UP?! Its time to shake things up again! So many times when this happens, maybe every time up until now, I’ve been somewhat gobsmacked that I have more work to do. I’m thinking “didn’t I just do this? Can’t I just have five minutes?” Wow. Frequency shifts and initiations. Life is transition, ascension, constant evolution. 

I’ve been seeing snakes and ants everywhere. Sure, I’m in Asia, but y’all know I don’t believe in coincidences. Spirit speaks in all things. If you’ll recall back to Siem Reap, I found a snake skin in a tree near Angkor Wat, after having met one in a vision. For those just joining- the snake went into my mouth and came out my Yoni. Trippy stuff. Then I started paying extra careful attention to ants, I watched one while trekking through the jungles near Chiang Mai and thought; “wow, these dudes are relentless and thourough.” They leave scarcely any territory unscavenged and theres always work to be done. They are also fearless, boldly going where every other ant will also surely go, like up your inner thigh and into your shorts. Use your strength, persevere, they tell me. Five days ago, when I hoofed it uphill through a hilltribe village, I saw another snakeskin on the road. “Another layer to shed”, I said to myself and I paid careful attention to all the things that triggered me. That night I saw a live snake on the way to the bathroom, he said; “keep going, ground yourself, know when to be still, use your body, strike, opportunity abounds, take risks, move, stay lithe, shed skins and know when its time to let go. On the following day I saw a dead snake being devoured by hundreds of… You guessed it, ANTS! The Totems collide. 

I’m not especially comfortable with either of these creatures as it stands, this is part of the darkness I am facing! During a sound healing last week I clung to conciousness and lucidity, never quite relaxing into the Theta state, because there were ants crawling on me. Here is an opportunity for growth and adjustment. A call into the underground of my Psyche, where snakes and other crawlers fill the spaces between stones as they undulate against the fertile earth. In this place, Ants march through my veins in a long and unfailing line, as if they are the pulse that carries forth my life force. Its not a comfortable image and this dark world is not a place I feel comfort. Its much like the feeling I have during travel- it is uncomfortable. Constantly.

So, now is the time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. To become well  aquainted with the feeling of perpetual growth, shift and change. Life is the Wheel, eternally turning, and we the faithful riders. “The ability to remain peaceful and poised, regardless of circumstances, is the hallmark of the God-realized.” – I.D. Garuda.       In the river of life, we are not being swept away into our doom. We need not swim against the current or clamber at exposed roots along the riverbank, desperately choking and clawing to get out. We need only realize; we are the river. We are one with the flow of life. In reality, its the river that leads us to an ocean of everlasting bliss. Sometimes I think I may drown, that I’m safer at the side holding tightly to what has been. But I’m not getting anywhere near the ocean as long as I do that. With faith in myself, in Source, in the Divine love that fills me; I am becoming the flow. I am the flow of life. I am darkness, I am light, I am, I am, I am. We are. 



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